5 Common Wedding Controversies

While I’m not a big participant, I do love to reading bridal messages boards. And no matter which board I read, the same stress-inducing topics keep coming up over and over again.

Today I want to highlight the top five controversies that I’ve seen. These are the decisions that brides make that are most likely to get mixed opinions from guests, friends, family members and busy bodies.

So here there are, in no particular order:

1. Having a cash bar
   Let’s be honest, everyone wants an open bar and many etiquette experts out there will tell you that a cash bar is quite rude. But for some couples, an open bar just isn’t in the budget and in that case, I think a cash bar is fine.
   
   That being said, do avoid having your guests pay market price for their booze. See if you can arrange to host a twoonie bar or have an open bar for maybe the first two hours after dinner.
   
   
2. Scheduling your wedding for a holiday/long weekend
   I don’t care how romantic you think it will be, don’t schedule your wedding on Christmas or New Year’s and only do Halloween if you’re going to do in some kind of Halloween style. All other holidays though I think are fair game (well, maybe not Easter for some).
   
   I’m OK with long weekend weddings and actually prefer them if I’m travelling somewhere. However, a lot of people hate long weekend weddings, particularly in the summer. This is one of those decisions where you may find yourself having to decide between what works best for you and what works best for the majority of your guests.
   
   
3. No kids allowed
   You don’t want screaming brats at your big day? I totally support your decision and if your guests can’t leave their spawn alone for a few hours (nursing babies obviously excepted), well, they have bigger issues.
   
   I do though believe that you need to have a consistent policy when it comes to kids. I don’t think the idea of “close family can bring kids but you friend, you can’t” is very fair. Either kids are allowed or they aren’t.
   
   
4. Asking for money on the invite
   No, just no. I don’t care if you plan on using some kind of cutesy poem to get your point across or say “No boxed gifts”, it’s just tacky to mention gifts on the invite.
   
   Instead, put this kind of info on your website or spread it via word of mouth.
   
   
5. Having a B-list
   Personally I have nothing against having a B-list and I totally get why some weddings need to have one. But Shawn finds them very offensive and so we didn’t do one (plus our venue has enough space that this wasn’t really an issue).
   
   Ideally a B-list is a very subtle thing so that people never know that they were a second choice guest however that won’t always be possible. In those situations it’s best to be honest (so no pretending the invite was lost in the mail) and explain that due to space/money/other restrictions, you simply couldn’t invite everyone on the first round.

A Couple Cute Dresses

WeddingBells.ca recently sent around a newsletter than contained a link to “20 unique wedding ideas”. While most of the ideas aren’t really that original (give mini-cakes as favours; pair down your bouquet), they did include a couple of dresses that I think deserve highlighting.

This first dress is Jim Hjelm’s Occasions and it gets featured because it’s short and has pockets. I think this would get a great choice for a bride who’s not into a big gown. It could also work as a dancing dress or even as a bridesmaid’s dress.

This other dress is from J. Crew and it’s under the unique idea of “Choose white for your girls”. While I love this dress, I’m crazy about the idea of having your attendants wear white because it’s unlikely that they’ll really be able to wear a white dress again (unless they live some kind of glamorous life).

Thankfully this dress is available in other colours and in white is does make a great party dress or even wedding dress if you’re looking short, different and pretty.

Getting Your Toronto Marriage License

If all goes as planned, on Friday Shawn and I will be picking up our wedding license. This actually involves a few steps:

1. Head over to the Service Ontario website and print off a marriage application form. You can also grab a physical copy from a Registry Services office.
2. Fill out the form and make sure everything on it is correct. Both of you also need to sign it.
3. Then head on down to a Registry Services office (we’ll likely do either City Hall or Etobicoke Civic Centre) Monday through Friday, from 8:30 am-4:15 pm. You’ll need to both be there and you need you bring your form, a piece of government-issued photo ID that shows your current legal name and a way to pay for the fee.
4. For Toronto, that fee is $130 (it can be cheaper in other cities) and can be paid by cash, money order, certified cheque, debit or major credit card.
5. A license is good for three month from the date of issue and is valid for anywhere in Ontario. This means that if you’re getting married in Toronto but you two can’t make it to a Toronto Registry Services office during business hours but can say, make it to the Oakville one, go to the Oakville one, you license will be good.

There are no citizenship/residency requirements for applying for a marriage license, there’s no required blood or medical tests and of course there’s no gender requirements either. But you do need to be 18 or, if you’re 16-17, have your parents’ permission.

Got more questions? Maybe Service Ontario can help.

Our Escort Cards

A few posts ago I mentioned that our escort cards are really labeled tea lights. I know that this probably didn’t give you the clearest picture of what we’re planning on putting together so tonight I sort of mocked one up and took at picture of it.

I say “sort of” because my plan is to use clear labels instead of white ones and obviously there won’t be black scribbling on them (that’s from me covering up the address that was already printed onto the label).

To make life easier, we’ll laser print people’s names and their table name onto the labels instead of printing them on. Then really the only DIY aspect to this project is sticking on those labels.

I think these will be a pretty alternative to the usual paper escort cards. And I guess they can double as a favour since we’re letting people take them home.

Some Wedding Links

Today’s post is going to be a collection of wedding related links that have been clogging up my inbox. Enjoy!

Follow bride Karina, a wedding planner and flower shop owner who you’ve probably seen on Slice, on the thirty days leading up to her wedding.

On the hunt for favours? Then check out this Wedding Bells piece that highlights 25 wedding favours websites.

The Knot busts 10 wedding planning myths including “DIY will save you money” and “If they invited you you need to invite them”.

This message board thread from Nest.com looks at wedding regrets. It’s entertaining read though maybe not for those of you who are prone to worrying.

This link is really more for guests; it’s a look at wedding guest dos & don’ts.

Changing Your Name

Changing your name once you’re married is one of the more contentious wedding/marriage-related topics out there. Personally I say do whatever works best for you though I will admit that I do cringe at hyphenated names that are twenty-odd characters long.

While many brides do choose to keep their maiden names (I’ll be keeping mine for work purposes though going with Shawn’s for social purposes because I think it’s just easier that way) there are still plenty of women (and some men) out there who do change them.

If you’re one of those women, you need to first decide if you want to elect to change your name or if you just want to assume your partner’s name. According to the Ontario government, most people go with the later action. It’s free, requires no forms and allows you to easily revert to your maiden name.

If you want to change your name on your identification, credit cards, etc., to match your partner’s, you then need to apply to update the cards in question and use your marriage license as proof of your new name. More details on assuming a name can be found here.

Electing to change your name is more extensive process that does involve forms and takes about six-eight weeks. It’s free if done in the first 90 days following a wedding, and then after that it costs $25. Details on this type of change live here.

There’s also the formal name change, where you actually change your name on your birth certificate. It costs $137, takes six-eight weeks and will involve contacting whatever province/territory you were born in. if you want to go this route, you’ll want to read this page.

If you want to change your name on your driver’s license and health care card, you’re going to need to pay a visit to Service Ontario. You can use this page here to find the one closest to you.

Info on changing your name on your passport can be found here (guess what, you get to re-apply and re-pay) while Revenue Canada has some name change info over here.

Make sure to also contact your bank as well as your work’s HR department if you’re changing your name on your driver’s license. The only thing that sucks more than being denied a Visa transaction because you don’t have matching photo ID is to miss a pay deposit because of some weird name mix up.

Our Menu Tasting

I was just looking over some older entries and I realized that I never wrote about our meal tasting so I’ll write about that now.

We did our tasting back in April. We were allowed to bring two other people and we decided to bring a pair of friends, one who is a big foodie and the other who is quite honest in his opinion. We figured they’d be the ideal people to help us decide what to serve.

As for the food, we were allowed to taste five different items. The Berkeley gave us a menu of items they could do but also told us that we were welcome to request any specific items that we wanted. We ended up picking a salad off their menu as well as the two items we were considering as our beef option: A steak and then the beef ribs.

The other main option that we want to serve is a salmon, something that interestingly wasn’t on the Berkeley menu. But thankfully they had no issues with preparing twp different types pf salmon for us to try.

We were able to schedule our tasting for near the end of the work day which was nice since that meant we could double it as dinner. We were each given our own salad to eat while the four mains each came on their own plates and we just eat off of those. The mains were also accompanied with the sides that we’d picked out and everything was plated as it would be plated on our wedding day.

It quickly became clear which of the two beef options we should pick: The ribs. While I didn’t taste them (I don’t eat beef), Shawn and our two friends both said they were amazing.

It was a bit tougher to pick which salmon to go with but ultimately we decided to go the salmon in a tarragon cream sauce.

The salad and the sides were all quite yummy as well and tasting them confirmed that we’d made the right choices.

Overall our tasting went quite smoothly and everything tasted excellent. At the end of it, our contact at the venue sat down with us and asked us for feedback. But besides stating which mains we wanted to go with, we didn’t really have any.

However, while our tasting went great, I’ve heard many tasting horror stories. In fact, I have one friend who ended up changing her venue because the tasting was so bad and the venue didn’t really seem interested in improving things. So because of that, here are some food tasting tips:

• This is more of a caterer tip than a food tasting tip but it’s crucial that you don’t sign a contract until you have in writing that the caterer can create the type of menu you want at a price that works for you
• Do your tasting six-four months in advance, maybe even earlier if you’re not familiar with the caterer and/or if you’d asking for something a bit out of the ordinary
• Before going to the tasting clarify exactly what will be served and how. Ideally you want to see the actually quantity/presentation that your guests will be seeing
• Always make sure to taste your main dishes since this what your guests will notice the most (and what generally is costing you the most)
• Bring other people who will be brutally honest about the food
• While it can be useful to have the caterer rep sitting with you throughout the tasting, it’s fine to ask him/her to leave so that you can discuss the food more freely
• If you can, taste your food alongside the wine you’ll be drinking (we could have done this had we bothered to bring wine but we didn’t)
• While it is your wedding, be flexible, realistic and listen to the chef/caterer rep. Sure, you want the chicken to be spicier but are most of your guests going to enjoy that? These people are professionals so do listen to their opinions
• But at the same time, do be vocal. Speak up if you don’t like something and don’t be afraid to make reasonable requests

City Of Toronto & Wedding Photography Permits

Here are details you need to know if you plan on buying a photo permit from the city of Toronto.

• The permit centre photo number is: 416-392-8188
• Booking for 2011 starts on September 1, 2010
• Permits are booked on a first-come, first-served basis so book as early as possible if you're set on a certain site
• Some sites have are booked for an hour, others two hours
• While I’m sure rates for 2011 will go up, one-hour permits were going for $54 while two-hour permits were going for about $143
• The booking must be made and paid by either the bride or groom
• For indoor bookings, the photographer’s name and contact info will be needed

Bookings are done one of two ways:

1. Go in person between 8:30 am-4 pm, Monday to Friday, to the Etobicoke Civic Centre, North York Civic Centre, Scarborough Civic Centre, or Toronto City Hall, where you can pay using a major credit card, cash or certified check
2. Phone the permit office and book using a major credit card. I was told that if you’re booking over the phone, you need access to a fax machine so yeah, maybe you can do this from the office

Someone at the permit office told me to visit this site: http://weddingparks.ca for a listing of city parks but then added that the city doesn’t look after that site so the info’s not always up-to-date/accurate.

Helpful!

Kim's Contact Info

A few people have been asking me for my make-up artist Kim's contact info. If you'd like it, please send me an email at wedtoblog[remove this]@gmail.com and I'll forward you her email address.

While Kim lives in Toronto, she is willing to travel though I believe she does charge a bit more for jobs that are further out. She'll also do make-up for any special occasion, not just weddings.

More On Our Photo Drama

Shawn and I met with Bruce, our photographer, this morning to discuss what we’re going to do about photos since the city doesn’t issue permits for High Park, our original photo location.

While the meeting wasn’t very long and didn’t result in any sold plans, I do feel better having gone to it.

Our photographer, who has previously shot in High Park without incident, told us that we’d probably be fine as long as we didn’t bother anyone else who was enjoying the park. He said he’d never seen anyone get in trouble for doing formal photos there and pointed out how the city’s own website only mentions one area of the park that’s out-of-bounds for photos.

So while I don’t think the woman I talked to at the parks’ office is wrong about not being able to get a permit for High Park, I do know think that you can generally get away with doing wedding photos there as long as you’re willing to share the space with others and aren’t say, setting up something like a commercial shoot.

Since our wedding party is so small, we should be able to move through High Park relatively easily, take a few shots and then move on to the next location, and not get in too many people’s way.

Our photographer also recommended that just Shawn and I do a few pictures just the two of us down at the lake. I quite like this idea and time-allowing, we’ll get to do it.

I have a bunch of notes about dealing with the city and securing a permit for those locations that it does sell them for. I’ll post those later this week.

My Wedding Day Shopping List

I’ve just put together a list of physical items that we’ll need to bring to the venue, some of which I’ve already got and some of which still needs to be purchased.

While some of these items are certainly personalized to my wedding, I think there’s quite a bit of stuff on here that you’d have at any typical Toronto wedding.

Need To Get

• Card box
• Paper to cover card box
• Tea lights for escort cards/candle holders (I’ll explain these in another entry)
• Clear labels for the escort cards/candle holders
• Mirrors for centerpieces
• Rose petals/jewels/something for table décor
• Three silver picture frames to hold drink menus at the bar
• Little favour baggies for our M&M favours
• The M&Ms

Already Bought

• Guest book
• Guest book pen
• Table numbers
• Escort card candle holders
• Rest of centerpiece supplies
• About a dozen purple candle holders as assorted décor
• Two or three silver runners as assorted décor

I’ll also be bringing my party dress, an overnight bag for the hotel, a fairly empty purse and another bag filled with emergency/back-up items. I’ll list off those things once I’ve figured them out!

The Berkeley & Budget

While making Monday’s post, I noticed that I had a blog comment waiting for moderation. It was from someone named Natasha and she was asking some great questions about the Berkeley. I approved the comment and then went to answer it but I couldn’t find it anywhere. So I’m going to paraphrase Natasha’s questions here and answer them now.

Natasha is interested in having her wedding at the Berkeley but she has a budget of $20,000. She was wondering if the Berkeley would do a cocktail-style reception and if that would cut her costs.

The Berkeley certainly will do a cocktail-style reception but I don’t know exactly how much that would drop the cost. I know we tried playing around with our food costs and things didn’t budge as much as we would have thought though we are having a sit down dinner so that does make things a little different. I think the Berkeley does have a minimum food cost (at least for weddings) and if you want to use them you need to meet it.

That being said, I think Natasha should figure out what she’s comfortable paying for her venue/food costs, present that figure to the Berkeley and see what can be done.

As we experienced first hand, doing a wedding at that venue for $20,000 is tough but it could be done and here’s some tips on how that could happen:

• Have it on a Friday
• Have a cash bar
• Have your wedding cake double as the dessert
• Get a reasonably priced dress
• Have the wedding night at home
• No limos
• No DJ/live music
• Get hair and makeup done/paid for as a gift
• Simple DIY invites
• Simple everything else
• Follows some of the advice mentioned on these sites

The good thing about the Berkeley is that it doesn’t need much in terms of décor and its florist, Jennifer from Flower Girls, is great at working with small budgets. So I wouldn’t worry about the flower budget.

The photo budget on the other hand, well, maybe Natasha has a friend who’s a photographer.

In all honestly, I think Natasha could pull off her wedding at the Berkeley if she could get the venue at about $13,000 or less. I don’t know if the Berkeley would go for that number but as the saying goes, it never hurts to ask.

My Makeup Trial

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I had my makeup trial done on Saturday.

It went pretty well though it was long, two hours long. But I think it was worth it because I loved the results and even better, those results lasted for a long, sweaty day (more on that later).

I found my makeup artist, Kim, through a friend (you can read more about her over here) and thankfully she was as friendly and personable in person as she was over email. She arrived right on time and was fully stocked with everything she needed. After chatting a bit about what I wanted, she got to work.

Kim was very thorough and gave me plenty of chances to look in the mirror and give feedback. She was also a bit of a perfectionist, definitely a trait you want in your makeup artist! For example, despite my best cleansing efforts, I still had old mascara on my lash lines that bled out onto my just concealed under eye area. Without any prompting from me, Kim wiped the area clean and started again.

Another thing Kim did was let me see that my ideas weren’t also the best. I really wanted to try on false eye lashes and so she glued them on, then took them off when I decided that I hated them. She then explained that she’d never had a bride who actually went ahead with the fake lashes, something that I would have dismissed prior to putting them on and seeing just how costumy they were.

At the end of the trial, I had Shawn take a few pictures of my makeup while Kim jotted down what she had used. She says that she’ll create a face chart for me that will break down exactly what she used where. It’ll speed up makeup application on my wedding day so I won’t be looking at a two-hour long application process then.

The reason I did my trial on Saturday was because we had a wedding to attend that afternoon and I figured, hey, might as well get my makeup done on a day where I can show it off.

Well, I did more than show off that makeup, I put it to the test by spending probably close to two hours under the hot sun (it was an outdoor ceremony that we arrived at early because Shawn was an usher). Though I was definitely sweating, my makeup didn’t budge.

So my recommendation to you is to really “try out” your makeup post-trial by getting out there, moving around, and seeing just how long your pretty face will last.

A few other tips:

• Avoid wearing makeup the day before, particularly eyeliner or mascara
• Find out how your artist wants your face to be prepared prior to the trial (yes moisturize, no moisturize)
• Wear your hair in a style similar to your wedding hair so that you get the full effect
• A makeup artist can require a lot of space to set up on so consider using your kitchen table instead of a cramped bathroom
• Make sure you’re also set up in a space with plenty of proper (ideally natural) lightning
• Have ideas but also be opened to suggestions and seriously ask yourself if what you want really looks good now and in the future
• Don’t be afraid to speak up and say you don’t like something/want to try something else; you’re paying this person to make you look good after all
• Find out if your artist provides you with any touch-up products for your wedding day or if you should pick these up separately (Kim is providing blotter papers and whatever she used on my lips)
• If your artist is doing your wedding party’s makeup, find out what you/they can provide in advance to speed up their makeup application (some artists require that the wedding party members provide their own foundation)

How We Did On Our May To-Do List

Here’s an update on how we did with our May to-do list:

• Block off hotel rooms for guests: Not happening because the hotel we were dealing with said that we’d have to pay for unused rooms. So, since this is Toronto and there are tons of hotels out there, we’re just putting a list of few that are near our venue and reasonably priced
• Book late July hair appointment for cut and highlights: I tried to do this but then found out that my hair shop will be on vacation on the date I originally wanted to book on. So now I’m waiting to hear from them about when exactly they’ll be closing up and hopefully I’ll still be able to get my hair done there, just a few days earlier
• Meet with sister and figure out her shoes/jewelry, etc.: Meet with sister, didn’t find anything, it’s now in her hands
• Buy earrings for me: I looked while I was in New York but didn’t see anything. I’m going to try looking in Toronto this weekend
• Get Shawn’s brother to order his suit: Done
• Figure out & order favours: We know what we’re getting and we’ll place the order in a couple of weeks

So yeah, unfortunately we didn’t get everything done.

On the flip side, I have gotten started on:

• The photo list
• The music list (including banned songs)
• The alcohol list
• The timeline (the day-of and the week-of)
• Seating chart

And on Saturday I did my make-up trial (more on that in a future entry) and we now know what we’re getting Shawn’s brother as a thank-you gift so that’s two more things done.

Over the next month, we’re going to complete the following tasks:

• Order the beer
• Order the wine
• Book nail appointments
• Book massage appointments
• Book hotel room
• Finalize ceremony music (we have a pianist and violist booked and are meeting with them tomorrow to sort out the music)

I’ll do my best to keep you up-to-date on how things are going. I actually have a list of topics that I want to write blog entries about but I just keep running out of time to write them. Hopefully though I’ll be able to get up at least two, maybe even three, entries this week.

Photo Permit Drama

Since getting engaged there was one choice that we never had to think twice about and that was the location for our photos. We live near High Park and spend a lot of time there so it just made sense to pick that area. Conveniently, our photographer also lives right near High Park and is quite familiar with it so it seemed like it was meant to be.

Turns out I was wrong about that because it’s actually illegal to have formal photos done in High Park. And no, this isn’t a new thing. The woman I talked to at the permit office said that the photo ban came into effect about five years ago and all those wedding parties I see having photos done in High Park, well, they are there illegally.

I then asked the obvious question of “Is there a list online of city parks where we can take photos” and got the not-so-surprising answer of “No”. The woman said that that the next closest thing to High Park was Sunnyside Park and I was actually OK with that. But then when I tried to book it I found out that since I was interested in booking space after 4 pm, I would have to call the Grenadier Café (which, for those of you who don’t know Toronto, is located in High Park).

Fine, I called the number I was given and got Sunnyside Pavillion’ s info line that mentioned nothing about photos. Awesome. So then I looked up the Café’s number called that and was given another number, called that multiple times, kept getting a voicemail, and finally left a message.

That woman called me back from the Sunnyside Pavilion number (I know, I’m confused too) while I was at the dentist and left me a message saying to call her back and leave the date and time I was interested in. So I did that.

Then this morning she called while I was in a meeting and left another message, this time telling me that Sunnyside Pavilion is booked for the whole day for a private event.

Right now I am more frustrated by this whole process then upset because I don’t actually want pictures taken at the Pavilion, I want to talk them down by the lake and I can’t manage that there’s some event going on that’s taking over all of Sunnyside Park. And surely you’re allowed to take formal pictures down by the lake, right? (Then again, the city does doesn’t allow that in its largest park.)

So I’m going to make another call to the City and see if it’s possible to get a permit for the actual park, not the Pavilion.

I’ll let you know how that goes in a future post and I’ll also share some info I learned about city photo permits.